Approach Me, Please

So, it doesn’t look like I’ll be moving to Columbus after all.  Ah well.

The problem, however, is that I’ve already turned in my notice at work, that I’ve already said time and again how I don’t want to work in retail anymore, and that I was leaving…

Story.  Of.  My.  Life.

So, I’m looking at the Gulf Coast.  I like the Coast.  It’s a nice place, for Mississippi.

I looked for library jobs, and filled out, and then printed an application out, and brought it to one of the Harrison County libraries.

Now, I am probably overblowing this, but when I approached the desk, she…kind of glared at me.  Like, I’m a big, important librarian, and what do you want, mortal?  I, very meekly, asked if I could give her an application.  While she was taking it to the back room, I hightailed it out of there.  Well, I thought I wanted to work in a library, but if this is how you would treat someone you should’ve assumed was a patron and probably needed help or a library card, how would you treat an assistant?  Yes, it would be nice to work in a library, but I’m not sure if I want to work at that one.

Remind me again why I want to move up north, when it’s a well-established fact “damn Yankees” are not as nice as Southern folk when I react when a librarian doesn’t smile in greeting.

You know, as much as I can’t stand people, as much as I say I hate them, that they suck, I’m pretty good to customers.  I get compliments on how nice I am.  I’m smiling and cheery and bright and polite.  Most people don’t get that in other places.

Yes, yes, you know I’m an asshole.  However, I have most of the people that patronize the Wiggins’ Fred’s fooled.  They all think I’m nice.  If I can be nice and greet people with a smile, what is your excuse?

I don’t want to be like that.  I want to have a warm smile and a warmer heart.  I don’t want people to walk away feeling the way I did today.  Holy cow, that broad was scary.  Matter of fact, I don’t want people to feel like I do most of the time.  Because most of the time I feel like crap, that I’m too different for this world, lonely, unwanted, and unappreciated.

I complain about people a lot.  Which, they do suck.  In general.  But there are a lot of regulars that I simply adore.  They make my day when they come in.  But at the same time, I don’t know these people all that well.  I don’t want them leaving the store thinking that the cashier was too rude or too whatever to simply be nice to them.

I want to be approachable.  I want to be the Healer INFP that I’m so often typed as.  Even though I’m not good with physical affection, I don’t want people scared to hug me.  I want to love people.  Well, individuals.  I don’t want to judge.  I don’t want to be mean and unapproachable.