April In Review

Books Read:  5

Words Written:  not even 2k

On the upside, I managed 2 beginnings, one of which is a series of blogposts I will be more than happy to share once I, one, grow a pair, and two, finish it.

Also, I haven't gained any weight, even if I haven't lost any.

I am a Team Lead at work, so I'm making those 40 hours a week.  I'm going to learn how to manage work, the animals, and books, and writing.

I.  Will.  Learn.

March in Review:

Books Read: 12 (so far)

Words Written:  ~9k

I finished something like a draft.  It's only about 40k--not novel length, but it's got a beginning, middle, and end.  It's my first completed story in years.  I finished it on the 17th and pretty much quit writing since then.  Mostly, I've been trying to up my reading count.

Third Time's The Charm

Or, my parents are The Best


November 30, 2018

I was on my way to work and somewhere around 5:30 I wrecked my Ford Focus wagon.  After a few months of waiting, the wonderful tax refund was in.  Mom allowed me to use her car to go to and from work.

February 22, 2019

So...I went back to the Buy Here, Pay Here I got the wagon from.  I put $1500 down on a 2003 Toyota Highlander.  I put the insurance on it, paid it six months in advance, and went to the tax accessor's office to get a personalized tag, because it was so wonderful, I bought a car on my own and everything, and personalized!

February 28-29, 2019

I got an oil change and 4 new tires, thinking I was going to have it for a long time.

March 2, 2019

I'm on my way home from work and it's acting up.

March 4-12, 2019

I'm stuck on side of the road on my way to work.  It gets towed.  The place I bought it from does some work on it, and another mechanic does work on it.  I leave the lot...only for it to do THE SAME THING IT WAS DOING BEFORE ALL THE WORK, and I bring it right back.  The next day, they tell me it's not worth it to fix it, and I can pick out something else.  I bring home a 2005 Chevrolet Malibu.  Because there were new tires on the Highlander, the fact that the Malibu was a little more expensive could be overlooked.  The amount owed and the payments would be the same.  Okay, fine.  I had to cancel the insurance I had on the Highlander and put it on the Malibu.  I had to go to the tax accessor's office to get the tag, that came in the day the Highlander had to get towed, transferred to the 'Bu.  There was a trap on the title.  Back to the Buy Here, Pay Here, where they gave me a temporary tag.

March 14, 2019

When I rode around in it, the engine missed, it jerked going into gears...  My sister's boyfriend looked at it.  It's the transmission causing the jerking.  Don't quite know what, but a car is not supposed to jerk when you shift into gears.  It's not supposed to jerk on the highway.

I turned in the keys.  I can't get my money back, or my tires, so whatever, screw all of them.  They've pocketed $1500 of my money, and then a set of brand new tires.  They're not getting anything else from me.

I've learned something about myself here.  If I have nothing to say to someone, I won't say anything to them.  I handed over the keys, said I'm out $2000, and left.

I wrote a bad review on the Better Business Bureau for the Buy Here, Pay Here.  They have no reviews on there, and we'll see if it gets posted or if they do anything.

March 15, 2019--Today!  (Yesterday?  I started this on the 15th, anyway)

While my parents are off to see about getting me a car from a dealership, under their names because I'm broke, I'm home and I get a call from the Buy Here, Pay Here.  It was loose hoses, it's running fine, there's nothing wrong with the transmission.  It's going back on the lot, yada yada.

Well, had you run the first car a little longer and tested it, you would have known it was Shit.  Why were the hoses loose on the second?  I don't trust the mechanic anymore.  Someone else can have the headache.  I only possess a shred of decency, and a modicum of trust.  It's been abused.

And, bugger y'all too. "I'm already looking elsewhere."  The fact I was home and my parents were handling it notwithstanding.

Anyhoo, my parents got me a car.  They were able to walk away with no money down.  It's under their name, but I have to pay for it.  They transferred the insurance on it, again (we're all on the same policy).  I'd paid in advance for the Highlander, which had to have been transferred again.  Mom and I went to the tax accessor's office with my tag and we got it on the new car and finally it's been settled.

It's a 2017 Nissan Altima, with an extended warranty and low mileage.  They love it.  I love it.  I've moved into it, meaning my dragon folding knife (it has a seat belt cutter and window breaker, also, I've grown used to having a box blade at work, and it just seems I always need a knife for something), my CDs, and my phone charger.  I've hooked my phone up to the Bluetooth...

I have to get a better job.

TL; DR:  I wasted $2000, and Daddy had to Fix It.

Traveling by the Book (Series)

Eirlandia, the most recent

In the Land of the Everliving by Stephen Lawhead came out last Tuesday.  Because the local Barnes and Noble didn't get it in stock, I ordered it and it came in yesterday.  My new-to-me car put me on side the road yesterday, so I didn't go to work.  When it came in, I hurried and finished Trickster's Queen, and read all but something like 70 pages last night.  I finished it a few hours ago.

Lawhead is probably the single biggest butterly effect in my life.  Or at least the one I can track the easiest.  Mom brought home In the Hall of the Dragon King back in August of 2005.  I loved it.  I got all of his other books, most of which are Celtic based.

I would've never gotten into Celtic mythology.  I would've never gotten into Robin Hood or enjoyed a King Arthur epic.  I would've never tried other Celtic-based fantasy.  Or I might have, in another way, but this is the way of it.

I want to visit all of the former Celtic nations.  I've made it to Scotland.  Half the reason I chose Inverness was because of the Groame House Museum in Rosemarkie, which is nearby.  It's a collection of carved Pictish stones.  It's a two room, small place, but it's Special.  They have a harp replica, with sheet music and how to play it.  The other reason was Leakey's Book Shop.

At the back of the King Raven books, there's mention of music based from the story.  They have a soundtrack.  Unfortunately, I was a broke kid who couldn't order stuff online myself and

I looked up Jeff Johnson and Brian Dunning on Pandora, then.  I loved everything Pandora played for me of theirs.  I have all of their Lawhead based work now, plus some other stuff they've done.

Because I looked them up on Pandora though, I was also introduced to the Olllam, Michael McGoldrick, David Arkenstone, etc.  My music library is amazing because of this.

Anyway, but to Eirlandia specifically, In the Region of the Summer Stars was his first book in four years.  The series before that, Bright Empires, wasn't Celtic-based.  Every time I read one of his books, I'm reminded why he's my favorite author.

In the Region of the Summer Stars basically ends with everything getting blown to east hell, which is different from west hell, apparently.  But it still ends right. 

Lawhead is not for everyone, and I pity those he doesn't fit, but he's poetic and his books end, if not always happily, well.  They end the way they have to, you know?

I don't think I'd read anything that took place in Iron Age Ireland before this point, or if I have, it's been a while.  Or it was a romance book.  O.o

You never know what a book will be until you read it yourself, but reading a Celtic fantasy from Lawhead is still familiar.  It's still poetic prose.  It's still likable characters you want to see succeed.  It's not a world I've been to, but I trust that particular world-maker.

And I really really really want to go to Ireland next.  Unlike the next two, this is somewhere I can actually go, even if it's not the Iron Age.


Tortall, the most books

A couple of months ago, I was in Barnes and Noble where I saw a display for a new Tamora Pierce book.  It was about Numair Salmalin.  I'd never read the Wildmage books, but I knew who Numair Salmalin was from his cameos in the following series.

"Well, I guess I'm going back to Tortall then!" is just about an exact thought I had.

I'd never read Mastiff, and it was time.  I started with Terrier and after I finished Mastiff, I wanted to read or re-read all of the Tortall books.  I had to find copies of the Song of the Lioness (Alanna) books, which wasn't difficult.  I had bought the Immortals (Daine) series some years ago and they'd been sitting on my shelf since.  I'd never read them, and they took me a little while, but I loved them.  Protector of the Small (Keladry) was my first Tortall series.  Reading it in order with the rest of the series made me squee throughout, because then I understood the importance of some of the characters.  I knew King Jonathan when he was Prince Jonathan, and Alanna the Lioness when she was Page Alan masquerading as a boy, and Daine the Wildmage before she knew she was a demigoddess in her own right, how Tkaa and Bonedancer came to live in the palace.  It was all part of a larger picture.  And then I don't remember if I read the Trickster books (Alianne) before or after Lioness the first times around.  This time, I was able to appreciate all of Aly's legendary family, both blood and adoptive.

The Tortall books are the sort of thing a young girl should read when finding her place in the world.  When she's told she can't do something because she's a girl.  When she's growing up and seeing all of the ugliness in the world and wants to fix it.  When she worries she might compromise who she is if she falls in love.  When she's afraid.

Or for a woman in her mid-to-late twenties who's forgotten the Important Things.  O.o

Tortall is a place for a person to shine, if they have the guts to do it.

I haven't read Tempests and Slaughter (Numair) yet.  The second book is supposed to be out soon, and I'm waiting for it to come out so I can read them back to back.  Har har.



Sitia and Ixia, what started me down this path

The latest 3 books of the Study series had been sitting on my shelf.  I'd forgotten how much I loved the characters.  I am also very glad that I waited until they were all out because waiting a year in between those books would've done nothing but piss me off.

I made a mistake in not reading the Glass books in between the first Study series and the second series.  I should've, because it takes place after, and there was some I'd forgotten and could've used the recap.  I could never get rid of them, but I never saw myself re-reading them either.  Now I think I could.  I will, eventually.  I've re-read way more than I've read this year, already, and I don't like that. I have something like 800-odd books I need to read.  Although, my excuse is, I needed to re-read what I had read, years ago, to fully enjoy the new ones to read.  O.o


And the Rest...

Last year, I re-read Spindle Cove by Tessa Dare.  Spindle Cove is a place for young ladies to be themselves.  How I wished for a place like that then.  I still do.  I'd probably never leave.  This year, I re-visited some of my favorite fictional places, and it was a nice vacation.  We need places like this.

I also re-read Dragon Kin.  I needed crazy heroines and the men who can love them anyway.  I needed a good laugh.  I needed to be reminded that it's okay if I don't do what everyone thinks I should, and do what makes me shine.

I'm trying not to read so much romance books.  It's not as depressing to be forever alone when you're not constantly trying to shove that kind of stuff down your own throat.  I say, as I have bookmarks in like 3 of them, and since I have no idea what I'm going to do next, will probably go for those next.  O.o

February in Review: All About that Balance

Productive Writing Days (1k+ words written):  22

Books Read:  12

I didn't do as well in February.  Obviously.  Some days I just got out and nothing happened at home for me to read or write that day.  I mainlined a series of books and it took its toll.  While I was glad to be back in Tortall, and this has nothing to do with those books, I know better than to mainline anything.  But I did for the Study Series, and I started re-reading Beka Cooper, and after I finished Mastiff, which was the only one I hadn't read, I wanted to read or re-read all of the Tortall books again and...well, you know what happened.  If I mainline a series, I go slower towards the end, because, lag.  If I don't mainline, I'm going to flop around, leave the series, and not come back to it for months.  Well, I finished Trickster's Queen last night and promptly started another book, and finished it today, but I'll write about that later.  This is February in Review, after all, not March.

I keep telling myself the world won't end if I don't do this.  It doesn't matter, don't be so hard on yourself.

But, if I'm not hard on myself, who's going to be?  Some of my biggest mistakes are not being hard enough on myself.  I have to push me.  If I don't push myself, how am I going to become better?

I'm between being kind to myself, it's okay if I don't read/write every day.  But at the same time, I am generally happier on the days I do those things.  But despite that, I've been having bad days.  That comes from Like Sucking.

I won't go into that either though.  I'm not quite where I need to be, but I'm farther than I could be.

And that's that.

January in Review--Yes, I'm Back!

Words Written:  ~30k.  I missed one day.  ONE DAY.

Books Read:  18.

I'm on my way back.  It started because I began making myself write everyday since New Year's.  I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions.  The only ones I really make are to read and write more.  That's it.  This is the sum of who I am.  I'm just going to have to accept this.

It took a lot of going back.  What went wrong?  What set me down this path?

So, I looked at my writing files, the old ones, the finished ones.  I looked back at the blog.  I looked back at my Goodreads.

Apparently, my last good year was 2014.  That was when I still read a lot, I wrote a lot.  When I still had dreams?  Before I graduated from university.

I've said it before, and I'll say it here, I regret going past an associate's degree.  It wasn't worth debt.  Nothing is worth going into debt over, and my student loans aren't even that bad compared to most (or literally everyone because mine are just at $10k.

But I can't go back in time and fix it.  I can't even go back in time to slap my younger self.  C'est la vie.

I'm doing a lot of re-reading.  I spent most of last year re-reading stuff, and it seems like that will very much be the case this year.

One of them was the Study Series by Maria V. Snyder.  Now, I had bought the newer books as they came out, but I didn't read them.  They'd just been sitting on the shelf.

Stephen Lawhead's last book was in 2014.  I think the last Dresden book that's not a comic was put out in 2014.  How am I supposed to be okay when my favorite authors aren't putting out books?  Granted, Lawhead's put out another one, just last year, and the next in the series comes out AT THE END OF THIS MONTH, but I digress.  But I don't think it's coincidence.

Life still sucks.  I wrecked my car at the end of November and still can't get a new one.  I have very, very little going for me.

But I don't want to hang myself in the backyard anymore.  The things that would set me off, that would have me wondering if we had rope anywhere don't do that anymore.

It's a terrible thing, to forget who you are.  It's also pretty wonderful to remember and find yourself and follow your bliss again.

Oh yeah, and I had a blast in Scotland.   It seems when all my other dreams were dead, I still held on to that one.  And I want to go back.  I want to go back So Bad.

Journey of 2,000 Miles: Step 2

(Actually, I think it's closer to 4,000 miles, but for continuity's sake.)

My passport book came in two weeks ago.  I've been searching for flights and figuring how I can get there as cheap as possible and all that good stuff.

I bought my plane tickets yesterday.  I made 2 separate bookings:  The first is from Gulfport to Miami.  The second is from Miami to Inverness.  It's 40 days out.

I've been researching baggage restriction, tours, et cetera.  Do I want to buy luggage or just use what I have?  I bought some hiking boots online, and they came in and they fit!!!

Here's hoping and praying nothing goes awry from here to then.

Journey of 2,000 Miles, Step 1

I APPLIED FOR MY PASSPORT TODAY!

I’M SHOPPING FOR PASSPORT COVERS!

A VACATION ABROAD IS SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT.

I’ve tried to act as nonchalant about it as possible.  But, but, but, I DID IT.

Of all the things I’ve screwed up, of all the broken dreams, of all the disappointments, heartaches, et cetera, I am one step closer to fulfilling a dream I’ve had since my first Stephen Lawhead Celtic-based fantasy (whichever one that might have been).

Ever since I saw a picture of Leakey's.

Ever since I learned Hatchard's was a real bookshop.

Since I saw artwork in the Louvre when I was in Excel (back when my future was going to be brighter).

Back when I learned that there’s Hobbiton in New Zealand.

Nothing’s written in stone.  Nothing’s officially planned.

But I’m closer.

I did all my homework for my passport.  I had my photocopies and all that.  I did have to go off-site for my photo, but that was a minor (and I do mean so very minor) inconvenience.  The agent looked over my stuff, had my sign my Internet-pre-filled Form DS11, and I paid and I was ready to go!

This is so exciting!

A journey of 2000 miles, began with a trip to the post office.

So Far

I've been home a week.  I did wind up packing up my car when I got back from Chicago.  I got home last Thursday around 10:30pm broke, tired, and just ready to be home.

But, CHICAGO.

So, I didn't realize how long it would take me to get to the offsite parking spot, and how long it would take to get a ride to the airport.  I did make it there, and then got a Lyft to the airport.  I got through security okay...

And missed my flight.  Luckily, I was able to get on the next one no problem.  It was my first time flying.  It was a bit like a roller coaster, except when you leave the ground, holy shit you're not attached to anything.

I get to O'Hare, and had to get an Uber to the Motel 6 (yes, I used both in the same day!) because I couldn't figure out where the shuttle was, and then I had problems with finding the Uber driver.  By the time I got to my room, I decided I wasn't leaving it again.  I chilled in the room grateful I'd brought snacks.

The next day, I got up early and used the shuttle to get back to the airport to take the El into the city.  My first stop was The Field Museum.  When you walk in, Sue the T-Rex is the first thing you see.  I was so happy, because that's the only real reason Chicago is even on the list of places I want to visit.  Because, Dresden Files.  Anyway, I spent 4, nearly 5 hours in this museum.  I loved it!  I want to go back.

I got out well after lunch time and decided to try the bus lines.  Eventually, I made it to the Irish pub I wanted to visit.  I hadn't eaten all day, I was starving and damn that shepherd's pie was delicious.  And then I went back to my motel room.  It wasn't much, but I spent a day in Chicago.  Not much of one, and I hated that I couldn't do more, but there's only so many hours in a day and all that.

The next morning, Thursday, I got up at 4, to be ready to take the shuttle for 5, to board the plane a little after 6, take off was a little after 7, and we arrived back in Dallas a little before 9:30.  I managed the shuttle back to the offsite parking, gassed up my car, and headed back to Corsicana.  Upon arriving, I ate something and just decided I really really really wanted to be home.  I packed up my car and headed out.

You know the rest.

But the museum!  Sue!  The other animals!  The fossils!  They have a dimetrodon!  And all these other fossils!  And diaromas!

Also, Jurassic World:  The Exhibition is there until January.  I don't know where it's going after that.  But it's amazing!  So lifelike!

Yes, I like exclamation points for this.  It was my first time in that sort of museum, first time out of the Bible Belt, first flight, first time in a Motel 6...

What I learned:

PARK AT THE DAMNED AIRPORT.

STAY WHERE THE ATTRACTIONS ARE.

While I know I've had the idea that I'm going to travel solo, because if I wait for anybody to do anything with me, I'll never get to do anything, I don't know if I want to make a habit out of solo travel.  I can and will if I have to, but I won't make it a point to go solo.

That was my thing.  My last fling before going home to resume my life of mediocrity.  I tried in Texas.  The one thing I needed was time, and that was the one thing I didn't have.  And I'm already not a patient person to begin with.

My life isn't that great.  I'm 25, living at home, feel ugly most of the time, with hard to manage hair, going to be an old maid with a slightly caustic (heh, just slightly) personality....

but DAMN IT I MADE IT TO CHICAGO TO SEE SUE!

The Beginning of the End....of my quarter life crisis

I bought a plane ticket to Chicago.  I have a motel booked.  I reserved a parking spot for off-site parking.

It will not work out in Texas.  The short version is, I miss my family.

The truth?

-I can't afford it with roommates.  *Also, roomies smoke pot and I don't want to go to jail in a drug bust.  Parse that how you will.

-I sure as hell can't afford it on my own.

-I miss my stuff.  My computer, my bed, etc.  I loaded up my car with whatever it could carry, and took off.  The rest of my stuff was supposed to follow me, but hurricanes.

-I miss going to Chick-fil-A on a regular basis.

But first, I am going to Chicago.  Today was my last day at the Ennis Tractor Supply, and I have two days to pack the rest of my stuff before I leave for Chicago.  When I return on Thursday, I may pack up my car and leave, or I may wait.  I'm coming back early enough to leave on Thursday though.  We shall see.

Female Seeking...

So, the cousin and I had a deal that if I didn't meet someone by my next birthday in real life, I'd sign up on a dating site.  My birthday is Thursday.

Internet dudes....oh no, serial killers!  Skin-stealers!

Never mind that most of the couples I know aren't anything to be envious of.

I'm pretty sure I've done this before, but I'll have to look.  But let's see, if I were really honest about what I wanted:

Victor Barinov from Bite Me by Shelly Laurenston.  I mean, seriously, every time I read that book, I swoon.  He's just so perfect!  Actually, he has an anti-perfection agenda, but still.

-Must be sweet.

-Accepts the fact I'm an asshole, but makes me wish I were less of one.

-Must like Elton John, and MASH, and all sorts of things.  You know, we need to have some stuff in common.

-OR, if we don't have much in common, must be useful, like a mechanic or carpenter.  If he can't talk books with me, he can at least build me bookshelves or be able to change the oil in my car and keep it running because I know shit about cars.

-Must kill the bugs without being a jerk about it.

-Monogamous, because I feel like nowadays I have to say that.

-Scottish maybe?  Complete with accent and kilt!  ;-)  Wishful thinking I know.  ::sigh::

My cousin's been asking what sort of person I want.  The truth is, I don't know.  Some people I take to right away, and others take forever for me to get used to.  It just depends.

Honestly, I still don't want to get my hopes up.

You ever see those forever alone memes?

Welcome to Texas

I picked up and left Mississippi.  I am now residing in Corsicana, Texas.

I didn't break down and cry at the thought of being so far from my family.  Not yet anyway.  I'm seeing pictures of my godkids on Facebook and I miss those little boogers.  I want mom's cooking, and talking about just about damn near everything with my kid brother.

I transferred with the store I work for, so I don't have to look for a job.  Not yet anyway.  My GM in Gulfport went through a lot of trouble to make sure I had a job when I came out here.  It would seem very ungrateful of me to hurry up and find something else.

All that being said, I didn't come 8 frigging hours from home to just stay in retail.  Honestly and truly, the whole point of coming out here is for better work.  Period.

I have a degree dammit!  But all that aside, I met a lot of the staff at my new work, and they seem great.  There's a full time position available too.  My line of thinking is this:  if I can nab that full time position, I'll stay through Christmas before looking for a new job.  If not, screw it, and keep looking now.

Does that make me sound petulant?  I don't want to be.  I do want to be able to afford to live on my own.  They have some great places out in Ennis.  I got lost yesterday looking.  It was fun.  Trust me.

So, here I am, exactly a week before turning 25, 8 hours from home living with my cousin and some of her people.

My quarter life crisis, y'all.

I'm Still Here

I know, I know, it's like I disappeared.  I'm still here.  I want to go back to myself.

The girl who was supposed to be a fantasy author.

The girl who could read 120+ books/year.

The girl who dreamt of other places other than her hometown.

The girl obsessed with the Celtic mythos.

I'm going to be 25 this year, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it.

I barely made reading challenge this year.

I didn't make an Easter post--hard to when I've mostly walked away from my faith.  Although, I'm a little drunk right now, and I'll admit that tonight was the first time I've written in my prayer journal since January.

I want to write again.

I want to read again.

I want to leave Mississippi--even if I don't know where that'll be.

I want something, anything different.

My complacency, I think, has been slowly killing me.

I want to get back to myself.  I wasn't always this way.  And I don't want to be this way.

I have written a little bit, but there's more to add to that.

Sunset Blush and Creme De Cassis Make a Good Mix

I probably shouldn't be blogging so close to midnight.  Whatever.

1)  I got a new job.  Before you get all excited, it's retail.

2)  I've read 80-odd books, so far, this year.

3)  I've discoverd a love for boxed wine.  And cheap wines.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.

4)  I replaced my copy of The Musketeers, and finally bought Treasure Planet and The Black Cauldron.  I love those movies.  Don't judge.

The Story That Stays

At 12:01am, I reached the end of Deathly Hallows.  Due to the fact it's been out for years, and I see a lot of it, I knew what was going to happen (or most of it).

I still feel like crawling into a hole and dying.  Knowing what happens in a book, and reading a book, are two different things.  Very different things.

I'll try to sleep, but I know it's not going to come easy.

How do I put this...?

I started reading the Harry Potter books.  Yes, yes, I'm still at home.  Yes, yes, Mom doesn't know.  Please don't tell her.

I got them on my Kindle, so there's no actual evidence that I own them.

Anyway, I just finished book 5.  I have enjoyed them.  I like them.  I think they're great.

I hate everyone who has ever demonized them.

I should have been able to read these growing up, dammit!

I could've been one that grew up with the characters.  I should've been there to see the movies when they came out.

On the bright side, I can binge-read them (although I didn't thus far) and I don't have to wait for release dates!  I can also binge-watch all the movies, for the first time, if I ever can manage it.

I had to take a break after book 4.  I just had to.  I was too shaken.  And there are 28 books (I counted them on my Goodreads reading challenge) between 4 and 5.  I thought it was only about 5 or 6 books ago, maybe only a month ago that I read book 4.  No, no, it was back in April.  I whizzed through 5.  I probably won't have the series finished by the end of this month, but I'll probably be done before the end of August.

I'm trying not to think about my upcoming birthday.  Or the fact I've accomplished so little in 24 years.  I'm trying not to think about tying bricks around my ankles and jumping in the bayou.

A change of reading material, you see, was definitely in order.  Something that was positive in the shitstorm that I've made my life.  Yes, I know, it's my fault, my decisions, my stupidity.  Now I have to fix it, because damn sure nobody else will.  Easier said than done.

I haven't read much fantasy this year.  But I see myself falling in love with the genre all over again.  When you're life sucks, you don't like any better what's going on in Mordor, but it sure beats the hell out of staying where you are.

THAT is worth everything.  And if any of you religious types don't like it, you're probably not good company anyway.

I'm Not Nice

There is a certain cynicism that comes with growing up in church.  Or maybe that's just me, because I grew up in church and grew up in a legalistic home and now I'm picking up the shards of my broken faith and trying to piece together something akin to a spirituality.

Today was not the first time I've heard the Gospel (thank you, Brennan Manning).  I think it was the first time I heard it from a pulpit though.

....  

I will be 24 my next birthday.  I have grown up in church.  Why is this the first time?

I have accepted that the Church had made many mistakes.  That I have made plenty more.

I will hold myself accountable for my mistakes.  I will not go easy on the Church for theirs.

I think this boils down to:

I have a lot of resentment against the Church.  I need to forgive the Church, and my family, for wrongs, real or otherwise, done against me.  No one's perfect, and these people never claimed to be.

Fair enough.

Candid, Candide, and the Candidates

“Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her; but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cars in order to win the game.”
― Voltaire, Candide

Oh, this road has been long and hard.

“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?”

1) We started going to church again. I am not taking back anything I've said about the Church. I will not apologize for observations or feelings. I will not pretty up the damage growing up in church with legalistic influences has done. I've had to find my way back, and that's iffy at best.

He wanted to know how they prayed to God in El Dorado.

"We do not pray to him at all," said the reverend sage. "We have nothing to ask of him. He has given us all we want, and we give him thanks continually.”

If for some odd reason your pastor decides to preach from Candide, this is the part where he'd say, "We need to have an El Dorado attitude!"

2) I'm still unemployed (walked out of my job nearly 2 months ago). I had a dream I went back to work where I walked out, and the reasons I quit were still there. No lie. In the dream, nothing had changed. Perhaps it was better to stay there? Or to leave? Whatever, no going back!

“Work keeps at bay three great evils: boredom, vice, and need.”

3) Reading's still okay.

“For my part I read only to please myself and like only what suits my taste.”

4) Writing's been bad.

“A great work must be novel without being far-fetched, frequently sublime, but always natural. The author must know the human heart, and how to make it speak; he must be a poet, without letting any of his characters speak like poets; and he must be a master of his language, using it purely and harmoniously and not letting the rhyme interfere with the sense.”

5) Oh yeah, and on a larger level, American politics has reached an all new level of low: Pissing contest for the ages!

“In every province, the chief occupations, in order of importance, are lovemaking, malicious gossip, and talking nonsense.”

I'm sure I've mentioned it before: Candide is probably my favorite classic. Because I can give my blogpost a proper commentary with quotes from that slim treasure.


This is the world God created, therefore it is the best of all possible worlds. And everything happens for the best in this best of all possible worlds.

I would have that in quotation marks as well, but I can't seem to find it either on Goodreads or my own pretty copy of the book. At least, not in so many words.

In light of Point 1, looking at Point 5, and thinking back to things I've said:

1) God appoints.  Guess what, Christians? WE, THUS FAR, HAVE SURVIVED OBAMA.

2) If Jesus said He would be there until the end of the world, do you believe it or not? I don't recall Him saying it was easy. He just said He'd be there.

3) Jesus also said somewhere not to worry about tomorrow.

I find this sound advice when it comes to American politics.

(I also think if I read my Bible as much as I looked up Candide quotes, maybe I'd be better off. Or maybe not, because this is the first time in a long time I played on Goodreads quotes.)

At the end of the day, I have no control over what happens. If I don't have control over it, I don't want to worry about it. At the end of the day, it gets filed under "Not My Problem."

I try to file as many things as possible under "Not My Problem."

I did not ask to be born. I did not ask for most of what's going on in this world. Don't believe what our generation is like? Go on Tumblr.

I do have to live in this world. Come hell or high water, I do have to live here until a new one is created. I will live here. I will have a good attitude about it.

Fine! I will try to have a good attitude about it.

“All that is very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our garden.”

So, yeah

Well, I would like to say I've just been too busy to post.

Well, not the case.

So,

1)  Still single.  Lonely as fuck. I've signed up on a few dating sites and trying chatting online.  Had a lot of interesting conversations.  Had a lot of conversations I regret.

Edit:  That didn't last long.

2)  I walked out of my job 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Yup.  Just walked out during my shift.

3)  Reading's been going okay.  Writing overall has been great, although the last few days haven't been.

It Got Easier

The Internet is exploding with two things:  Joy, and Outrage.

Personally, I don't feel one way or the other about gay marriages being legalized across the US.  

1)  Obviously, I'm not gay.  And if y'all didn't know that...well, now you know.

2) What other people do is none of my damn business.

Well, I am glad it's over now, let's put it this way.  Can we focus on the next problem on the list now?

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, and the day's events kind of paved the way for it.

The beautiful thing about giving up Christianity is that I don't feel the need to judge people.  I don't have to care about their religion, their sexuality, their home life, their job, or whatever.

It doesn't matter.  It doesn't make them less of a person if they're not like me.  It doesn't mean they aren't worthy of love or that they don't deserve to be happy.  They're people.  Living, breathing people with feelings and thoughts and dreams and wishes.

The funny thing about that is, even Christians shouldn't care.  If a gay comes up to you and needs food, would you let him go hungry because he doesn't fit a certain mold?

Honestly, I thought the Church had bigger problems.  Aren't there hungry people in the world?  Hurting people who need healing?  Global warming (if it's real, man)?  I used to be super against environmentalism, but I'm not anymore.  This is the world we live in.  Perhaps we should take care of it, at least a little.

But it's so difficult to love.  And so easy to judge.

Riping about homosexuality should never take the place of loving someone who obviously needs it.  Someone's sin is between them and God.  Not between them and you.  I promise, they're not hurting you, they don't want to hurt you.  Do not hurt them.

And again, it's none of your damn business.  Christianity doesn't allow gays.   Okay, Christians aren't allowed to be gay anymore than Muslims are allowed to drink.  Fine.  But not everyone follows that, and you can't expect someone to live up to expectations that aren't theirs.

If I don't see the End of Days (it's a crapshoot), and it happens after I've grown old and died (if it's really going to happen), I don't want to be remembered as someone who was so religious, who stayed in my ivory tower, and you couldn't come to me.  I want to be remembered as someone who, yes, I'm an asshole, but people never doubted that I loved them.  I actually gave a damn.  I didn't judge, and I didn't ripe about someone's choices.

I don't believe in getting stressed over things I have no control over.

I don't have to like the world I live in.  It sucks.  But I do have to live in it until a better one comes along.