Saturday, August 16, 2014

Pretty Words

I am tired.  I am lonely.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm not the hallelujah Christian I once was.

I'm not the honest Brennan Manning fan anymore either.

I've been reading my old posts, reflecting on my life.  I grew up in church, under parents who were, not exactly legalistic but strict and a little intolerant.  I've talked about the reckless, raging fury that they call the love of God.  The miracle of creation.

Words, by me because someone else had words I had liked,  Other people's words.  The experiences and wonderful stories of other people.  Just a bunch of pretty words.

It's occurred to me that I don't have those stories or experiences.

I'm tired of praying to a God I'm not sure is listening anymore.  I'm tired of feeling rejected, being told I'm strange and that I need help. I'm tired of constantly being told how not right I am, like I'm somehow defective.  I'm tired of going to church when most of the time I don't get anything out of it.  I'm tired of my mother pointing out that I wouldn't hesitate to get up early and go to a bookstore but that I balk at going to church.

I don't like going to church.  I like going to bookstores because I get something out of them, and nobody makes fun of me there or thinks I'm weird.  It's the only place, besides perhaps my bedroom, that I feel like I belong.

Everybody wants to be accepted.  Even those of us who know we are different.  I can't even get that much out of Christianity.  Out of Christ.  Those life-changing experiences, hearing God talk, feeling "led" to do something.  People that talk about a close and personal relationship with God, or when they felt love pour through them.  No idea what that's like.  

I know what pretty words feel like.  I know what it's like to be moved by a song, and to sentimentalize something, but it's a mockery compared to what I've heard others talk about.

So, I'm not saying Christianity is a bad religion, or that it doesn't work.  I'm saying it's not working for me.  I'm tired or murmuring ignored prayers and feeling empty.

I'm hurting and lonely and generally disappointed with myself, my life,  just everything.  And I can't get that peace that surpasses all understanding.

I'm tired.  I'm just so tired.  I want a break.  I want something else.