Saturday, October 14, 2017

The Beginning of the End....of my quarter life crisis

I bought a plane ticket to Chicago.  I have a motel booked.  I reserved a parking spot for off-site parking.

It will not work out in Texas.  The short version is, I miss my family.

The truth?

-I can't afford it with roommates.  *Also, roomies smoke pot and I don't want to go to jail in a drug bust.  Parse that how you will.

-I sure as hell can't afford it on my own.

-I miss my stuff.  My computer, my bed, etc.  I loaded up my car with whatever it could carry, and took off.  The rest of my stuff was supposed to follow me, but hurricanes.

-I miss going to Chick-fil-A on a regular basis.

But first, I am going to Chicago.  Today was my last day at the Ennis Tractor Supply, and I have two days to pack the rest of my stuff before I leave for Chicago.  When I return on Thursday, I may pack up my car and leave, or I may wait.  I'm coming back early enough to leave on Thursday though.  We shall see.


Saturday, August 26, 2017

Female Seeking...

So, the cousin and I had a deal that if I didn't meet someone by my next birthday in real life, I'd sign up on a dating site.  My birthday is Thursday.

Internet dudes....oh no, serial killers!  Skin-stealers!

Never mind that most of the couples I know aren't anything to be envious of.

I'm pretty sure I've done this before, but I'll have to look.  But let's see, if I were really honest about what I wanted:

Victor Barinov from Bite Me by Shelly Laurenston.  I mean, seriously, every time I read that book, I swoon.  He's just so perfect!  Actually, he has an anti-perfection agenda, but still.

-Must be sweet.

-Accepts the fact I'm an asshole, but makes me wish I were less of one.

-Must like Elton John, and MASH, and all sorts of things.  You know, we need to have some stuff in common.

-OR, if we don't have much in common, must be useful, like a mechanic or carpenter.  If he can't talk books with me, he can at least build me bookshelves or be able to change the oil in my car and keep it running because I know shit about cars.

-Must kill the bugs without being a jerk about it.

-Monogamous, because I feel like nowadays I have to say that.

-Scottish maybe?  Complete with accent and kilt!  ;-)  Wishful thinking I know.  ::sigh::

My cousin's been asking what sort of person I want.  The truth is, I don't know.  Some people I take to right away, and others take forever for me to get used to.  It just depends.

Honestly, I still don't want to get my hopes up.

You ever see those forever alone memes?

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Welcome to Texas

I picked up and left Mississippi.  I am now residing in Corsicana, Texas.

I didn't break down and cry at the thought of being so far from my family.  Not yet anyway.  I'm seeing pictures of my godkids on Facebook and I miss those little boogers.  I want mom's cooking, and talking about just about damn near everything with my kid brother.

I transferred with the store I work for, so I don't have to look for a job.  Not yet anyway.  My GM in Gulfport went through a lot of trouble to make sure I had a job when I came out here.  It would seem very ungrateful of me to hurry up and find something else.

All that being said, I didn't come 8 frigging hours from home to just stay in retail.  Honestly and truly, the whole point of coming out here is for better work.  Period.

I have a degree dammit!  But all that aside, I met a lot of the staff at my new work, and they seem great.  There's a full time position available too.  My line of thinking is this:  if I can nab that full time position, I'll stay through Christmas before looking for a new job.  If not, screw it, and keep looking now.

Does that make me sound petulant?  I don't want to be.  I do want to be able to afford to live on my own.  They have some great places out in Ennis.  I got lost yesterday looking.  It was fun.  Trust me.

So, here I am, exactly a week before turning 25, 8 hours from home living with my cousin and some of her people.

My quarter life crisis, y'all.

Monday, May 1, 2017

I'm Still Here

I know, I know, it's like I disappeared.  I'm still here.  I want to go back to myself.

The girl who was supposed to be a fantasy author.

The girl who could read 120+ books/year.

The girl who dreamt of other places other than her hometown.

The girl obsessed with the Celtic mythos.

I'm going to be 25 this year, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it.

I barely made reading challenge this year.

I didn't make an Easter post--hard to when I've mostly walked away from my faith.  Although, I'm a little drunk right now, and I'll admit that tonight was the first time I've written in my prayer journal since January.

I want to write again.

I want to read again.

I want to leave Mississippi--even if I don't know where that'll be.

I want something, anything different.

My complacency, I think, has been slowly killing me.

I want to get back to myself.  I wasn't always this way.  And I don't want to be this way.

I have written a little bit, but there's more to add to that.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Sunset Blush and Creme De Cassis Make a Good Mix

I probably shouldn't be blogging so close to midnight.  Whatever.

1)  I got a new job.  Before you get all excited, it's retail.

2)  I've read 80-odd books, so far, this year.

3)  I've discoverd a love for boxed wine.  And cheap wines.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.

4)  I replaced my copy of The Musketeers, and finally bought Treasure Planet and The Black Cauldron.  I love those movies.  Don't judge.

Friday, September 16, 2016

The Story That Stays

At 12:01am, I reached the end of Deathly Hallows.  Due to the fact it's been out for years, and I see a lot of it, I knew what was going to happen (or most of it).

I still feel like crawling into a hole and dying.  Knowing what happens in a book, and reading a book, are two different things.  Very different things.

I'll try to sleep, but I know it's not going to come easy.


Thursday, July 21, 2016

How do I put this...?

I started reading the Harry Potter books.  Yes, yes, I'm still at home.  Yes, yes, Mom doesn't know.  Please don't tell her.

I got them on my Kindle, so there's no actual evidence that I own them.

Anyway, I just finished book 5.  I have enjoyed them.  I like them.  I think they're great.

I hate everyone who has ever demonized them.

I should have been able to read these growing up, dammit!

I could've been one that grew up with the characters.  I should've been there to see the movies when they came out.

On the bright side, I can binge-read them (although I didn't thus far) and I don't have to wait for release dates!  I can also binge-watch all the movies, for the first time, if I ever can manage it.

I had to take a break after book 4.  I just had to.  I was too shaken.  And there are 28 books (I counted them on my Goodreads reading challenge) between 4 and 5.  I thought it was only about 5 or 6 books ago, maybe only a month ago that I read book 4.  No, no, it was back in April.  I whizzed through 5.  I probably won't have the series finished by the end of this month, but I'll probably be done before the end of August.

I'm trying not to think about my upcoming birthday.  Or the fact I've accomplished so little in 24 years.  I'm trying not to think about tying bricks around my ankles and jumping in the bayou.

A change of reading material, you see, was definitely in order.  Something that was positive in the shitstorm that I've made my life.  Yes, I know, it's my fault, my decisions, my stupidity.  Now I have to fix it, because damn sure nobody else will.  Easier said than done.

I haven't read much fantasy this year.  But I see myself falling in love with the genre all over again.  When you're life sucks, you don't like any better what's going on in Mordor, but it sure beats the hell out of staying where you are.

THAT is worth everything.  And if any of you religious types don't like it, you're probably not good company anyway.


Sunday, June 19, 2016

I'm Not Nice

There is a certain cynicism that comes with growing up in church.  Or maybe that's just me, because I grew up in church and grew up in a legalistic home and now I'm picking up the shards of my broken faith and trying to piece together something akin to a spirituality.

Today was not the first time I've heard the Gospel (thank you, Brennan Manning).  I think it was the first time I heard it from a pulpit though.

....  

I will be 24 my next birthday.  I have grown up in church.  Why is this the first time?

I have accepted that the Church had made many mistakes.  That I have made plenty more.

I will hold myself accountable for my mistakes.  I will not go easy on the Church for theirs.

I think this boils down to:

I have a lot of resentment against the Church.  I need to forgive the Church, and my family, for wrongs, real or otherwise, done against me.  No one's perfect, and these people never claimed to be.

Fair enough.


Monday, June 6, 2016

Candid, Candide, and the Candidates

“Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her; but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cars in order to win the game.”
― Voltaire, Candide

Oh, this road has been long and hard.
“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?”
1) We started going to church again. I am not taking back anything I've said about the Church. I will not apologize for observations or feelings. I will not pretty up the damage growing up in church with legalistic influences has done. I've had to find my way back, and that's iffy at best.
He wanted to know how they prayed to God in El Dorado.

"We do not pray to him at all," said the reverend sage. "We have nothing to ask of him. He has given us all we want, and we give him thanks continually.”

If for some odd reason your pastor decides to preach from Candide, this is the part where he'd say, "We need to have an El Dorado attitude!"



2) I'm still unemployed (walked out of my job nearly 2 months ago). I had a dream I went back to work where I walked out, and the reasons I quit were still there. No lie. In the dream, nothing had changed. Perhaps it was better to stay there? Or to leave? Whatever, no going back!

“Work keeps at bay three great evils: boredom, vice, and need.”

3) Reading's still okay.

“For my part I read only to please myself and like only what suits my taste.”

4) Writing's been bad.

“A great work must be novel without being far-fetched, frequently sublime, but always natural. The author must know the human heart, and how to make it speak; he must be a poet, without letting any of his characters speak like poets; and he must be a master of his language, using it purely and harmoniously and not letting the rhyme interfere with the sense.”

5) Oh yeah, and on a larger level, American politics has reached an all new level of low: Pissing contest for the ages!

“In every province, the chief occupations, in order of importance, are lovemaking, malicious gossip, and talking nonsense.”

I'm sure I've mentioned it before: Candide is probably my favorite classic. Because I can give my blogpost a proper commentary with quotes from that slim treasure.


This is the world God created, therefore it is the best of all possible worlds. And everything happens for the best in this best of all possible worlds.

I would have that in quotation marks as well, but I can't seem to find it either on Goodreads or my own pretty copy of the book. At least, not in so many words.

In light of Point 1, looking at Point 5, and thinking back to things I've said:

1) God appoints.  Guess what, Christians? WE, THUS FAR, HAVE SURVIVED OBAMA.

2) If Jesus said He would be there until the end of the world, do you believe it or not? I don't recall Him saying it was easy. He just said He'd be there.

3) Jesus also said somewhere not to worry about tomorrow.

I find this sound advice when it comes to American politics.

(I also think if I read my Bible as much as I looked up Candide quotes, maybe I'd be better off. Or maybe not, because this is the first time in a long time I played on Goodreads quotes.)

At the end of the day, I have no control over what happens. If I don't have control over it, I don't want to worry about it. At the end of the day, it gets filed under "Not My Problem."

I try to file as many things as possible under "Not My Problem."

I did not ask to be born. I did not ask for most of what's going on in this world. Don't believe what our generation is like? Go on Tumblr.

I do have to live in this world. Come hell or high water, I do have to live here until a new one is created. I will live here. I will have a good attitude about it.

Fine! I will try to have a good attitude about it.

“All that is very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our garden.”


Sunday, May 15, 2016

So, yeah

Well, I would like to say I've just been too busy to post.

Well, not the case.

So,

1)  Still single.  Lonely as fuck. I've signed up on a few dating sites and trying chatting online.  Had a lot of interesting conversations.  Had a lot of conversations I regret.

Edit:  That didn't last long.

2)  I walked out of my job 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Yup.  Just walked out during my shift.

3)  Reading's been going okay.  Writing overall has been great, although the last few days haven't been.