Friday, February 14, 2014

BEE. ESS.

"Cynics are simply thwarted romantics.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

I actually have a Friday night off. You have to understand something here, since the new manager's been there, I've had (maybe) 3 Friday nights off--and one of those was because of my little car accident. Four if I'm being generous. But I think it's only three.

But I worked this morning. It's odd having to work in the morning and not have to go to school later on. It feels weird, because I usually only work nights when it's not a school day.

"Happy Valentine's Day" was a common goodbye today. Someone asked if I had plans for tonight. I don't, besides lying in bed with a book, and I answered so.

"What are you going to read?"

This is so bad. "I don't know. I have like nine books I have bookmarks in."

"Oh. Are you a reader?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"That's good. It'll keep you out of mischief."

I gave my agreement.

"I'm a reader too."

::It's not, 'you like to read'? I loved that. I am a reader--one who reads. It's a defining label. It's a lot of me. End digression.::

It was brightening.

There was another person who spent $32 on his girlfriend (I didn't see a ring and he never mentioned 'wife'). Chocolates, heart centerpiece, teddy bear, card... He had a good attitude at first, and then there was a, 'she better appreciate this,' and apparently he'd done something else for her. I almost wanted to say that I hoped she did appreciate it all, but I'm a good little cashier and kept my mouth shut. I almost wanted to remark as much to the lady behind him (could've been the reader lady), but then I didn't want to sound bitter or anything, and it kind of hurt, a kind of stabbing pain where my heart should be.

Later, a man was buying a big box of chocolates for his wife, and a granddaughter. He asked if I had gotten anything.

"No."

"Not yet?"

"No, I don't have one."

"No husband or boyfriend?"

"No.  Have a nice day."

Anyway...

It really pisses me off when people say that singles should just wait for the right one and all that. Get your heart in the right place. Get your head in the right place.

Excuse me, most of the time, I am really okay with being single. I'm a smart woman, and at a more intellectual level I know realistically I'll never meet anyone.  Between work and school and books and writing, I neither have time nor the energy.  Plus, men need to be needed, and I have this thing where I hate needing people.  And then there is, behind every great man is a good woman.  It seems behind every great woman, there often is no man, or if there is, he ain't happy.

And I do so want to be great.  I want to be the next Lloyd Alexander or Stephanie Laurens.

I'm open with it here but it's not like everyone everywhere knows I've never been on a date.  It's not something I broadcast in my real life. And I try not to bemoan the fact. I try.

However, no matter how great I want to be, that doesn't stop the loneliness. That doesn't make me not wonder what the hell is wrong with me.  You can tell me all day how I should think about it, but as often as I tell my heart that it doesn't matter, my heart doesn't listen.  I don't know about you, but my head and my heart are two completely different entities, with minds of their own.

On that note, I always hate when people hate on the virgin heroine in romance books.  If the opportunity never came, neither did she.  O.o

Like I said, usually it doesn't bother me.  However, seeing all these guys come up in Fred's buying stuff for the ladies in their lives, well damn, if I don't feel left out.

So, it's society's fault.  But I won't go there.  My fellow single people have probably heard enough advice and maxims about their singularity.  I have.  I don't want advice.  This is a childish thing--I want to complain and talk about my feelings.

Because it does hurt.
It is lonely.
It sucks sometimes.
I haven't the slightest idea of what being in love feels like.  I have ideas, because I read a lot, not just romance books, and I've had crushes on real people before, but for me personally, I don't know how I'd be.  And this is something I don't like using my imagination all the time.  Sometimes I really want to experience things for myself.

You have to understand something about me:  I hate not knowing things.

I think the best BS I can give to my fellow frustrated singles is this: 

1 - You're not alone.

2 - Tomorrow, you'll wake up, and thank God you woke up on February 15, and that THE CANDY IS HALF OFF!!!

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