Tuesday, December 27, 2011

New Year's Resolution #1 - Keep My Mouth Shut

“Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.” ― Winston S. Churchill


I have a dream to be witty.  Mostly though, I come across as being a smart aleck.


Disclaimer:  I love my mother and my older sister, but that doesn't stop me from taking jabs at them. Maybe it's middle-child angst, I don't know.  But they make it so easy.


Several months ago, my mom was running around the house (we have a small house) saying, "Where's my broom?  Where's my broom?"


I don't know why, but for some reason I was sitting in the living room.  I thought of something.  Mom considers the littlest things disrespectful, but even I knew this was out of line.  I also knew it was funny, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, she'd find it funny.


So I took a shot:  "To fly away on?"


Mom grilled me, but she laughed too.


Everyone else laughs at it, but every time I tell that story, Mom tells me to watch it.


A few days later, Mom found her broom outside.  I thought of something again.  This time, Mom was on to me.


"Vehicles go outside."


Again, I got grilled, and she laughed.


A few weeks ago, Mom put a candy red broom in the buggy at WalMart.  I kept a straight face, but every part of me was like, "Oh, you gotta think of something."


In hindsight, it didn't occur to me to resist the urge to think of something.


Eventually, I had something.  It was a sports broom instead of a sports car.   


I said nothing to Mom.  I did tweet something though.  The majority of my followers, I don't know personally, so it's not like they can tell my mom on me.


I'm a bad daughter.  I'm an even worse sister.


While Christmas shopping last year, Mom and I were in the Hat Shack getting beanies personalized.  Mom was getting one for my sister.


"Put 'maneater' on it," I said.


"We can't do that, Jadi."


I thought for a moment.  "Put 'ho ho ho' on it."


The manager and one of his clerks were right there and started laughing.  It took Mom a few seconds to get it.


I didn't get grilled though, that time.


When Lacey and I went see The Lion King in 3D, I didn't get home until nearly 2:30 the next morning.  The next time, I was in around 9.  Mom was a little upset both times.  She doesn't like the idea of me being out late because she worries.


My sister's boyfriend at the time said Mom was afraid I was going to come home pregnant like my sister had.


It was preposterous!   I don't think my sister knows that I've never dated, or maybe she'd never realized it.  I told her, "That would require me actually meeting someone." 


"Not uh, you could get artificially inseminated."


"That would take out the fun part."


Thing You Don't Say in Front of Your Mom #1.  And the look on my mom's face was priceless.  


Thing You Don't Say To Your Mom #1 was admitting I didn't like going to church.


I'm tired of getting in trouble for what I say.  Starting on the New Year (well, actually, I've already started on this one) I will keep my mouth shut.


New Year's Resolutions are about self-improvement, right?  I will be quieter.  If I think of something witty, well, I got an only half-full journal waiting for me to fill it with snarky comments.

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